Why Are We Still Ignoring Social Pain?

Imagine someone walks into the office limping, face pale, clutching their leg. You see the swelling. You see the anguish, them hurting. Naturally, your first instinct is to help. You grab an ice pack, offer a chair, maybe even call for help. Why? Because the pain is visible. It’s physical. It’s real.

Now, imagine a colleague walks in late to a meeting. They quietly take a seat. Throughout the discussion, they’re ignored. No one makes eye contact. No one invites their opinion. They speak once—someone talks over them. Twice—they’re met with silence. You may not see it, but they are injured emotionally by that exclusion. They are experiencing pain. Chances are, no one really notices, nor understands the impact.

Your brain does.

According to neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman, the brain doesn’t distinguish much between physical injury and emotional exclusion. Both light up the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex—the region of the brain associated with the distress of pain. In other words: social pain is real pain.

“We are profoundly shaped by our social environment and suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.”

—Matthew Lieberman, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect 

Yet, only physical pain is typically taken seriously in the workplace.

Physical Pain vs. Social Pain: The Brain Doesn’t Know the Difference

One of the most compelling aspects of Lieberman’s research is his exploration of why social pain evolved in such a visceral way. From an evolutionary standpoint, humans survived by banding together. Isolation meant danger. Exclusion from the group could mean death.

Our brains adapted accordingly. Being excluded wasn’t just inconvenient—it was threatening to our very survival. Our neural systems evolved to interpret social rejection as actual danger.

This is why exclusion, silence, bullying, or being ignored triggers the same pain-processing networks as stubbing your toe or breaking your arm.

Lieberman famously uses the example of someone with a broken leg. You can see it. You can offer empathy, understanding, and tangible help. But exclusion? It doesn’t show up on an X-ray.

We don’t cast a broken heart or bandage an ignored voice. It’s invisible.

More often then not, it’s dismissed.

That dismissiveness can be devastating—especially in the workplace, where so much of our identity, belonging, and self-worth is tied to how we’re perceived and included.

Pain in the Brain: What Happens When We’re Excluded

Let’s go deeper into the neurochemistry. When we experience physical pain, our bodies release chemicals like endorphins, which serve as natural painkillers. These opioids reduce discomfort and help us recover.

Interestingly, social pain has a similar chemical response—but it also triggers other complex reactions, including:

• Cortisol: Known as the stress hormone, it floods our system when we feel threatened—physically or emotionally. Chronic exclusion means chronic cortisol, which impairs immune function, learning, and memory.
• Dopamine Suppression: When we feel safe and connected, dopamine—the “feel-good” neurotransmitter—gets released. But exclusion suppresses it. This means people in psychologically unsafe environments struggle to feel rewarded or motivated.
• Oxytocin Deficiency: Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It builds trust and social connection. Unsafe cultures lower oxytocin, leading to distrust, hypervigilance, and reduced team cohesion.

When you consider the impact of our natural chemicals, activated or suppressed, during social exclusion, it’s easy to understand why people disengage, get defensive, or go quiet in meetings. Their brains are under siege.

This isn’t about being “too sensitive.” It’s biology.

The Problem with “Toughen Up” Cultures

Too many workplaces still subscribe to outdated mantras like “leave your feelings at the door” or “it’s just business” or “don’t take it personally.” These mindsets create environments where social pain is minimized, mocked, or even weaponized.

We see this when:

• Feedback is delivered with cruelty or without care.
• People are left off email chains or Slack channels.
• Individual messages in a group chat are ignored and receive no response or interaction.
• A manager avoids hard conversations, isolating individuals instead.
• Teams engage in inside jokes that signal exclusion to others.
• Leaders create “in” groups and “out” groups—sometimes unconsciously.

These moments may seem insignificant. Neurologically, they register as pain events. Over time, the accumulation of these events leads to:

• Increased absenteeism
• Burnout
• Mental health issues
• Low psychological safety scores
• High turnover, especially from underrepresented groups

Can you think of other examples? When people say “this place is toxic,” they often mean: this place hurts.

The High Cost of Ignoring Emotional Injuries

Let’s return to the physical pain analogy. If someone ignored a team member’s broken leg and expected them to “just keep up,” we’d call that negligent. When we ignore the emotional injuries caused by exclusion, silence, or public shaming, it’s often excused as “just the way it is.”

Organizations lose more than just morale when psychological safety is absent. They lose:

• Innovation: People won’t risk sharing bold ideas if they fear humiliation.
• Speed: Fear creates hesitation. Psychological safety accelerates decision-making.
• Loyalty: Unsafe environments lead to quiet quitting, to actual quitting.
• Reputation: Exclusion is invisible to leadership until it explodes externally—on Glassdoor, in exit interviews, or worse, the news.

The absence of psychological safety is a risk. A systemic one.

What True Belonging Looks Like

In Brené Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness, she shares this:

“True belonging is not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it’s something we carry in our hearts. But one thing is clear: it rarely happens in isolation.”

Brown makes a powerful distinction between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in is about assimilation. It says: “I’ll change myself so you’ll accept me.” Belonging is about authenticity. It says: “I can be myself and still be accepted.”

Here’s what that means for leaders:

• Psychological safety isn’t just about “being nice.” It’s about creating the conditions where people feel safe to be real.
• Inclusion doesn’t mean everyone is treated the same—it means people are respected in their difference.
• Belonging doesn’t happen in slogans or value statements—it happens in every micro-interaction.

If your workplace says they celebrate differences, diversity, equity and inclusion on their web site, but punishes it in a meeting, that’s not safety. That’s false advertising.

Think Again: What Are You Willing to See?

In a world where empathy is often labeled as “soft,” and speed is prioritized over connection, it’s easy to ignore what we can’t see. As Lieberman’s research shows us, the invisible wounds of exclusion leave lasting marks.

So the next time:

• You see a team member go quiet after being interrupted.
• You notice someone stop speaking up after their idea was dismissed.
• You hear yourself saying, “They’re too sensitive.”

Pause.

Consider the impact of the pain the brain is experiencing?

What if their brain is processing that moment the same way it would process a physical injury?

What if you just witnessed a wound?

Now you know the neuroscience.

How to Prevent Injury, Not the Cause

Creating psychological safety isn’t a training on policy. It’s a practice. A culture.

It starts by making emotional injuries visible. Here’s how:

1. Name the Hurt: Teach teams about social pain. Normalize its language. “That seemed like a dismissive moment—how can we repair it?”
2. Model Curiosity: If someone stops contributing, ask why—without judgment.
3. Practice Micro-inclusion: Eye contact. Saying names. Inviting input. These are small acts that have massive neurological impact.
4. Build Emotional Literacy: Just like we learn to read, we must learn to recognize emotions—ours and others’.
5. Repair, Don’t Retreat: When rupture happens, own it. Apologize. Create a new moment of safety.

When we do this, we stop being bystanders to invisible pain—and start becoming first responders to it.

Final Thought: Inclusion Is Injury Prevention

Inclusion is not just a DE&I goal or a leadership competency.

Inclusion is injury prevention.

Every time you foster psychological safety, you become a cast to someone’s emotional fracture. You create a place where people can heal, grow, and contribute without fear.

Lieberman and Brown would both agree, this is how humans thrive—not in isolation, but in connection.

If you want to bring psychological safety into your organization but aren't sure where to begin, start here by reading this InKNOWnative Insights: How to Use InKNOWnative’s Step-by-Step Training to Build Sustainable Psychological Safety. 

Citations

Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. Crown Publishers.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Random House.

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